i never really started examining my anxiety until tonight.
i was talking with a girl at work about my weird dreams...how they've been getting worse and worse.
she told me that if you thought about it...it's my anxiety shwoing through each of my dreams. i find this odd. and slightly saddening because i like sleep but because of my dreams i seem to have been not sleeping the best lately...which is why i am tired all the time. sooo time for me to try to sleep tonight and not be anxious.

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.- PHILIPPIANS 4:6-7

school will be done in 3 weeks...and that includes exams.

part of me is very excited for this little part of my life and another part is just stressed. 

i have so much to do in the next 3 weeks! papers, papers, PAPERS galore! 

yesterday was easter. 

and i was sad. i woke up sad and crying, not weeping but silent tears. i couldn't help it. once again, i spent a holiday as the only sister in my family. it's so weird going from holidays with 4 others girls and then you're the only girl with 3 brothers at one family function...it's confusing but it makes me sad sometimes. 

so that's how i woke up on easter. 

then during church dad sang. it was nice to hear him and jen sing in church again. the song just made me cry. 

with dad going through his heart stuff...again...

this was the first verse...and that's when the hurt in my heart started. 

"There's a peace I've come to know 

Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well" 

....

"And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise"

no more sorrow, no more pain...

and then i cried. a lot. silently. in church. 

and then the service was over and i'm trying to wipe the tears and the snot from my nose. 

oh dear. i was a mess. 

then we went to the pope's house and after that i sat on my computer all night. that was WONDERFUL. 

yay

oh family. i love them, even if they drive me nuts sometimes. 

so my heart is still hurting sometimes but i will rise. 

come what may, 

teia 

tonight i was talking with a friend and we got on the topic of what i wanted to do with my life.
i'm laying in my bed at school. last year when i applied for school i said i wanted to go into
art education. so i'm going to cuw for art education at this point. but i can't help but wonder
if this is what i really want. i'm not sure if that's right. am i supposed to be questioning what i want to
do with the rest of my life? does everyone always question if what they pick it's the right thing?

i struggle with that every day. does everyone question what they have chosen or what they are choosing?
but then my friend did something that not many people do. he asked me, what do you wanna do?
i told him that i am like a 5 year old who changes their mind every 5 minutes. they wanna be a doctor,
and a mom and they choose many different things...

but what do i want to do?
what do i want to be when i grow up?
it sounds ridiculous that i would still be asking myself this question but here's the thing.
i have many dreams and things i want to do when i grow up.
i want to bake. i want to teach. i want to keep doing art. i want to keep working in the
restaurant business. i want to own a bakery. i want to write. i want to take pictures.
i want to grow up. i want to be able to be a mom one day. i want to be happy and serve Him.

this past week and a half i've been struggling with being happy too.
it sounds ridiculousbecause i'm blessed. i have a job and am in school.
i have  a family and many friends.
i just keep blaming it on being stressed but i am.
i'm ready for summer to be here. warm weather. sunshine. and other things.
but today it snowed.

alright i must stop rambling.
im very tired. and trying to watch good will hunting.
-teia