Yesterday was Zoe's birthday.
I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about the day. Was I supposed to be upset about it? Act like it was a normal day? Something was definitely different..I knew I was suppsoed to be celebrating and I was acting like it was a normal day...and it definitely wasn't. I realized that it would've been the beginning of the "terrible two's". Although Zoe would never be terrible in her two's. She would've been Zoe. Always doing her own thing and just fighting her way through.

I didn't really want to cry yesterday but then i twisted my knee for the second time in a week. and i felt helpless. I just want it to go away. I want all the hurt to go away. My knee's hurting and my heart's. It is all just too hard sometimes. I started crying for my knee at first and then I realized it didn't really hurt. I was just crying. I was crying for feeling helpless because I can't help the fact that my knee just does it's own thing. I was crying because i needed zoe yesterday. I was crying for the little things i've learned the past few days and weeks that i didn't cry about when i learned of them. I cried for the dreams that i had last week..the dreams i had two different nights about the funerals.
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Two of my previous teachers are going to have a baby within the next 24 hours. I am so happy for them and will just have them on my mind for the next few days. Baby. When isabel, kellen and i were little we always used to pray together each night. When there was a baby on the way we were always praying for a safe pregnancy and healthy baby and healthy mom. I never realized what it was like to have an un-healthy baby or where something went terribly wrong until Zoe. I guess I always took that prayer for granted. I never realized that a baby could be very sick. I don't know why it never hit me but then it did...
I pray for the Staub family- a healthy baby and healthy mom.


praying is all i can do right now for all the hurt in this world. but i can also pray and rejoice for the new, small things that make this world seem worth living for.

come what may...
teia