I'm in love alrightttt with my crazy, beautiful life.
and I'd love it even MORE if i could get some free
SHUTTERFLY christmas cards!
wink, wink.
love this place! i always end up getting my posters and cheap prints here! it's greatt!
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Friday, November 05, 2010
out of everything that i need right now besides God, family and friends, it's definitely being able to write. I've had the writing itch the past few weeks. i've been reading blogs about families and faith and just other's daily lives. i'm not quite sure right now what i will be writing about most of the time. it will probably be my thoughts on the day and my daily living. nothing too exciting.
i just know that this is something i started a long time ago and it's something that i need to keep going...for more reasons than one.
so it's very late. i must get some sleep sometime today.
come what may...
teia
i just know that this is something i started a long time ago and it's something that i need to keep going...for more reasons than one.
so it's very late. i must get some sleep sometime today.
come what may...
teia
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Two years ago on easter was the day after zoe was born. being in church that day i couldn't help but just balling at the end of the service. we were so unsure of everything that was to come in the future. the baby girl had been born the day before and had stopped breathing two times since..."in christ alone, my hope is found, he is my light, my strength, my song..." this easter we were in church again and i'm still unsure of what's going to happen. i know he's holding us all but sometimes it's a little hard to see that through the mess of a world we live in. questions were answered in the two years and then many new ones were formed.
it's not that i try and forget what january/february were like it's more like it hits me in waves. when i sit and think about how in one week i heard about zoe and was attempting to deal with that and then after her funeral i went through it again...that hurts. i can't think about it.
it's not that i try and forget what january/february were like it's more like it hits me in waves. when i sit and think about how in one week i heard about zoe and was attempting to deal with that and then after her funeral i went through it again...that hurts. i can't think about it.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Yesterday was Zoe's birthday.
I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about the day. Was I supposed to be upset about it? Act like it was a normal day? Something was definitely different..I knew I was suppsoed to be celebrating and I was acting like it was a normal day...and it definitely wasn't. I realized that it would've been the beginning of the "terrible two's". Although Zoe would never be terrible in her two's. She would've been Zoe. Always doing her own thing and just fighting her way through.
I didn't really want to cry yesterday but then i twisted my knee for the second time in a week. and i felt helpless. I just want it to go away. I want all the hurt to go away. My knee's hurting and my heart's. It is all just too hard sometimes. I started crying for my knee at first and then I realized it didn't really hurt. I was just crying. I was crying for feeling helpless because I can't help the fact that my knee just does it's own thing. I was crying because i needed zoe yesterday. I was crying for the little things i've learned the past few days and weeks that i didn't cry about when i learned of them. I cried for the dreams that i had last week..the dreams i had two different nights about the funerals.
---
Two of my previous teachers are going to have a baby within the next 24 hours. I am so happy for them and will just have them on my mind for the next few days. Baby. When isabel, kellen and i were little we always used to pray together each night. When there was a baby on the way we were always praying for a safe pregnancy and healthy baby and healthy mom. I never realized what it was like to have an un-healthy baby or where something went terribly wrong until Zoe. I guess I always took that prayer for granted. I never realized that a baby could be very sick. I don't know why it never hit me but then it did...
I pray for the Staub family- a healthy baby and healthy mom.
praying is all i can do right now for all the hurt in this world. but i can also pray and rejoice for the new, small things that make this world seem worth living for.
come what may...
teia
I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about the day. Was I supposed to be upset about it? Act like it was a normal day? Something was definitely different..I knew I was suppsoed to be celebrating and I was acting like it was a normal day...and it definitely wasn't. I realized that it would've been the beginning of the "terrible two's". Although Zoe would never be terrible in her two's. She would've been Zoe. Always doing her own thing and just fighting her way through.
I didn't really want to cry yesterday but then i twisted my knee for the second time in a week. and i felt helpless. I just want it to go away. I want all the hurt to go away. My knee's hurting and my heart's. It is all just too hard sometimes. I started crying for my knee at first and then I realized it didn't really hurt. I was just crying. I was crying for feeling helpless because I can't help the fact that my knee just does it's own thing. I was crying because i needed zoe yesterday. I was crying for the little things i've learned the past few days and weeks that i didn't cry about when i learned of them. I cried for the dreams that i had last week..the dreams i had two different nights about the funerals.
---
Two of my previous teachers are going to have a baby within the next 24 hours. I am so happy for them and will just have them on my mind for the next few days. Baby. When isabel, kellen and i were little we always used to pray together each night. When there was a baby on the way we were always praying for a safe pregnancy and healthy baby and healthy mom. I never realized what it was like to have an un-healthy baby or where something went terribly wrong until Zoe. I guess I always took that prayer for granted. I never realized that a baby could be very sick. I don't know why it never hit me but then it did...
I pray for the Staub family- a healthy baby and healthy mom.
praying is all i can do right now for all the hurt in this world. but i can also pray and rejoice for the new, small things that make this world seem worth living for.
come what may...
teia
Sunday, February 28, 2010
In the past four weeks, Sundays have basically been deemed the hardest day, with Mondays coming in a close second. There's something about getting up for church and getting there that makes it difficult each week. It might be the fact that it was one of the only times that we were always ALL going. It was one of the only times that the family was all at the same place at the same time. It took a group effort to get there- pack the diaper bag, wash the bottles, make sure everyone else was fed and ready to go. Shoes, socks, coats and ready to go out the door.
The other weekend one of the retired pastors was giving a sermon on God Calling. I'm not even sure what the sermon really was past that point because I listened to the intro and I was gone in my own little world. I was remembering the weeks where we would walk into church 10 minutes late because Dad and Jen were tired, tired, tired from staying up all night with the baby. I was thinking about the time where majority of the family was in Green Bay for the weekend. It wasn't a holiday but I'm not sure why everyone was there. We were all sitting in church listening to GrandpaDu and I was sitting there thinking about how majority of the people sitting in the service were just our family members. And then when GrandpaDu was going to eventually call up the kids for the kids sermon- I realized that there were going to probably be only two kids that weren't in the Bat family. Sure enough, GrandpaDu called up the kids for the kids sermon and we all sat down at the front of the church and he laughed and told the whole congregation that most of the kids were his own grandkids. It made it so special to me. It's probably one of the last times I went up for a kids sermon but I'm so glad that I did. I won't ever forget it.
God Calling. The pastor talked about how when God is calling you He doesn't use the phone- you can't check your caller ID and ignore the call.
Tears were streaming down my face partway through the sermon, remembering all the wonderful times I had with Zoe and GrandpaDu...sometimes tears are inevitable, whether you want them or not.
Everyday I struggle with what is God's calling for me? What does He want me to do for Him? What's ahead in my future? Will it be a fraction of what Zoe or GrandpaDu accomplished while living on this earth for 22 months or 77 years? I struggle with it so much because I feel like I haven't started and I'm 19.
Isabel brought up a good question to me tonight. Dad and Jen are with the boys in Green Bay for the night celebrating a cousin's birthday and just to be there with family as tomorrow (well, technically today...) would've been GrandpaDu's birthday. Isabel said to me, "do you think it's ironic that one month ago we were home alone and now here we are again?"
I didn't even think about it before. But then as I was sitting in the empty, quiet house...I realized something about it was familiar, in an awful way.
I used to like being able to have the house to myself for a couple of hours. Just to take in the quiet and absorb it. Within the two weeks after the crazy week...I learned that I hate quiet. I just can't handle it anymore. There's a silence about this quiet that I don't like. It's the quiet that you realize something big is missing, even if it was something small...like a baby girl. It's the quiet that you don't know whether to break with some noise or just keep it the same way...
I miss the little noises.
come what may...
teia
The other weekend one of the retired pastors was giving a sermon on God Calling. I'm not even sure what the sermon really was past that point because I listened to the intro and I was gone in my own little world. I was remembering the weeks where we would walk into church 10 minutes late because Dad and Jen were tired, tired, tired from staying up all night with the baby. I was thinking about the time where majority of the family was in Green Bay for the weekend. It wasn't a holiday but I'm not sure why everyone was there. We were all sitting in church listening to GrandpaDu and I was sitting there thinking about how majority of the people sitting in the service were just our family members. And then when GrandpaDu was going to eventually call up the kids for the kids sermon- I realized that there were going to probably be only two kids that weren't in the Bat family. Sure enough, GrandpaDu called up the kids for the kids sermon and we all sat down at the front of the church and he laughed and told the whole congregation that most of the kids were his own grandkids. It made it so special to me. It's probably one of the last times I went up for a kids sermon but I'm so glad that I did. I won't ever forget it.
God Calling. The pastor talked about how when God is calling you He doesn't use the phone- you can't check your caller ID and ignore the call.
Tears were streaming down my face partway through the sermon, remembering all the wonderful times I had with Zoe and GrandpaDu...sometimes tears are inevitable, whether you want them or not.
Everyday I struggle with what is God's calling for me? What does He want me to do for Him? What's ahead in my future? Will it be a fraction of what Zoe or GrandpaDu accomplished while living on this earth for 22 months or 77 years? I struggle with it so much because I feel like I haven't started and I'm 19.
Isabel brought up a good question to me tonight. Dad and Jen are with the boys in Green Bay for the night celebrating a cousin's birthday and just to be there with family as tomorrow (well, technically today...) would've been GrandpaDu's birthday. Isabel said to me, "do you think it's ironic that one month ago we were home alone and now here we are again?"
I didn't even think about it before. But then as I was sitting in the empty, quiet house...I realized something about it was familiar, in an awful way.
I used to like being able to have the house to myself for a couple of hours. Just to take in the quiet and absorb it. Within the two weeks after the crazy week...I learned that I hate quiet. I just can't handle it anymore. There's a silence about this quiet that I don't like. It's the quiet that you realize something big is missing, even if it was something small...like a baby girl. It's the quiet that you don't know whether to break with some noise or just keep it the same way...
I miss the little noises.
come what may...
teia
Monday, February 15, 2010
People have always said that I have a lot of people in my family- which is true. They are always asking how I can live with so many kids. Aren't they loud and crazy? :) -True but i love it.
When you get to a like 3 or 4 kids running around the house after that if you keep adding more to the mix it doesn't seem like that many. It's probably just how my brain works because we've had so many kids always at Omi and GrandpaDu's and here. The worst part is when you take away one person it seems like there is this huge hole. If someone isn't home for dinner it feels like you're missing 5 people instead of 1. This case is different... You wait and wait for those noises you're so used to and they don't come. Each morning I get ready in the bathroom and for months when I got ready I could hear the oxygen machine making it's noises. Dad said it sounded like Darth Vader. And when I was getting ready the other morning and I thought I heard it again. I stopped what I was doing and listened more carefully only to realize that Dad was walking around the house with the same rhythm as the sound that I'd grown accustomed to hearing. Or at night you could always hear Dad walking around finding a snack to help him stay awake while watching Zoe and feeding her. You could hear her making her cooing noises and fussing. Sometimes at night when everyone else is sleeping I still think I hear it.
This type of quiet is nothing you can explain to others so I'm not even sure why I'm trying but right now it's all I can think about...
When you get to a like 3 or 4 kids running around the house after that if you keep adding more to the mix it doesn't seem like that many. It's probably just how my brain works because we've had so many kids always at Omi and GrandpaDu's and here. The worst part is when you take away one person it seems like there is this huge hole. If someone isn't home for dinner it feels like you're missing 5 people instead of 1. This case is different... You wait and wait for those noises you're so used to and they don't come. Each morning I get ready in the bathroom and for months when I got ready I could hear the oxygen machine making it's noises. Dad said it sounded like Darth Vader. And when I was getting ready the other morning and I thought I heard it again. I stopped what I was doing and listened more carefully only to realize that Dad was walking around the house with the same rhythm as the sound that I'd grown accustomed to hearing. Or at night you could always hear Dad walking around finding a snack to help him stay awake while watching Zoe and feeding her. You could hear her making her cooing noises and fussing. Sometimes at night when everyone else is sleeping I still think I hear it.
This type of quiet is nothing you can explain to others so I'm not even sure why I'm trying but right now it's all I can think about...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Saturday, January 09, 2010
random thoughts...
it's the new year! 2010!
over the past few days i've been thinking a lot. and i've been meaning to post and just haven't found the right words or "time".
random thought #1:
thoughts about the fall have crossed my mind. thoughts about my family and friends. thoughts about time, in general. so many things have just been floating around in this head of mine.
usually i'm able to share these thoughts with various co-workers/friends but today was different. today was a very quiet day. i didn't really talk to anyone outside of my house. no texting, no facebook chatting. i talked to minte via Gmail chat but other than that, it was very quiet. and of course once i am quiet on a day like today not many thoughts are crossing my mind. usually my mind is racing when i am speaking to other people but when i am quiet, so is my brain. it's weird how that works out sometimes.
random thought #2:
the other day at work a friend and i were talking about time. the more i thought about time, the more i became confused and more amazed. we knew what we wanted to say to each other about time we just weren't sure how to get our points across. in the end however, we figured out what the other person was saying.
random thought #3:
months ago, i was yelled at by a friend about how i wasn't an open person. how i never shared my thoughts or feelings and how that made it really hard for our friendship. i guess i didn't realize it. in a way i was somewhat happy that my friend revealed this to me so i could work on it. now however, i fear that i took it the complete opposite level. i tell friends almost anything that comes to mind. sometimes, especially lately, it's become like word vomit. i can't stop it. i think it was a trust issue and i've been really working on trust lately. i've been getting better at it but now i think i just talk just to talk. i don't want to be one of those people but i think i might be. now if i'm quiet at work they assume something is wrong, when in reality i just need to think and take some time to stop and listen to what's going on around me.
random thought #4:
this year i have come up with a few goals for myself:
-get my website up and running and tell people!
-make change in the world. i'm still figuring this part out but we'll see what happens. haha
-listen. i need to work on my listening skills. i know this might sound silly but sometimes i think that things just go right through my head. sometimes i'd like to listen to things and absorb the entire thing a little more.
-stop. be still. -i'm not sure if there needs to be an explanation about this.
-figure out school. how frustrating this one can be. one moment i'm set on a thought and the next couple of days i really struggle with my decision.
random thought#5:
oh school. i keep telling people that i wish the whole thing would just drop in my lap and i would know what is going on. i still don't know what is going on next year. i have a feeling but not entirely sure right now. i don't want to pick something and realize it was a huge mistake but i'm afraid that if i choose the opposite then that will be a mistake. i'm not really sure if that makes sense but i don't want to screw this plan up. i know that i can change schools if i need to but like i told isabel today, i am sick of moving. i'd like to keep the moving to a minimum if that is possible. haha
random thought #6:
i wish i would've worked on trust years ago. i think it would've made my whole high school experience that much more worth while. right now i've been really working on trust and i love it. i love being able to tell people my thoughts without worrying about them talking about me. i guess i still worry about being talked about behind my back but i think that i am able to handle it easier now.
random thought #7:
i love the people at my work. :) as weird as it sounds, these people that i've worked with throughout the past few years have become a HUGE part of my life. one girl last summer started calling us all her family of misfits. it's true in a way. each person that i work with has changed my life so greatly and i am SO thankful for each and every one of them. i feel like i've known these people my entire life but some i've only known for less than a year and others have been with me from day 1. it's awesome because right now some of my closest friends are from work. one person i've known for only 1.5 yrs and the other i've known for 8 months! yet i feel so comfortable around these people and i don't know what i would do without them through this time.
random thought #8:
i have so many dreams. like hopes and dreams as opposed to sleeping dreams -although i have a lot of those too. :) i have so many dreams and i'm afraid to share them with people (back to the trust thing). it's partially because some of my friends will think i am ridiculous and others i'm not sure how they will react to it. maybe that's what freaks me out, is not knowing the end result.
random thought #9:
i've been thinking about love lately and i love love. but part of me hates it also. i think i'm afraid of love because of the hurt factor. i don't want to be hurt by love but i know that is a part of it. you can't really have love without some hurt. at least that's what i think right now. i know i had other thoughts on love...but i can't really remember them right now.
1 a.m. = time to read and then sleep. possibly more random thoughts to follow....
come what may..
teia
over the past few days i've been thinking a lot. and i've been meaning to post and just haven't found the right words or "time".
random thought #1:
thoughts about the fall have crossed my mind. thoughts about my family and friends. thoughts about time, in general. so many things have just been floating around in this head of mine.
usually i'm able to share these thoughts with various co-workers/friends but today was different. today was a very quiet day. i didn't really talk to anyone outside of my house. no texting, no facebook chatting. i talked to minte via Gmail chat but other than that, it was very quiet. and of course once i am quiet on a day like today not many thoughts are crossing my mind. usually my mind is racing when i am speaking to other people but when i am quiet, so is my brain. it's weird how that works out sometimes.
random thought #2:
the other day at work a friend and i were talking about time. the more i thought about time, the more i became confused and more amazed. we knew what we wanted to say to each other about time we just weren't sure how to get our points across. in the end however, we figured out what the other person was saying.
random thought #3:
months ago, i was yelled at by a friend about how i wasn't an open person. how i never shared my thoughts or feelings and how that made it really hard for our friendship. i guess i didn't realize it. in a way i was somewhat happy that my friend revealed this to me so i could work on it. now however, i fear that i took it the complete opposite level. i tell friends almost anything that comes to mind. sometimes, especially lately, it's become like word vomit. i can't stop it. i think it was a trust issue and i've been really working on trust lately. i've been getting better at it but now i think i just talk just to talk. i don't want to be one of those people but i think i might be. now if i'm quiet at work they assume something is wrong, when in reality i just need to think and take some time to stop and listen to what's going on around me.
random thought #4:
this year i have come up with a few goals for myself:
-get my website up and running and tell people!
-make change in the world. i'm still figuring this part out but we'll see what happens. haha
-listen. i need to work on my listening skills. i know this might sound silly but sometimes i think that things just go right through my head. sometimes i'd like to listen to things and absorb the entire thing a little more.
-stop. be still. -i'm not sure if there needs to be an explanation about this.
-figure out school. how frustrating this one can be. one moment i'm set on a thought and the next couple of days i really struggle with my decision.
random thought#5:
oh school. i keep telling people that i wish the whole thing would just drop in my lap and i would know what is going on. i still don't know what is going on next year. i have a feeling but not entirely sure right now. i don't want to pick something and realize it was a huge mistake but i'm afraid that if i choose the opposite then that will be a mistake. i'm not really sure if that makes sense but i don't want to screw this plan up. i know that i can change schools if i need to but like i told isabel today, i am sick of moving. i'd like to keep the moving to a minimum if that is possible. haha
random thought #6:
i wish i would've worked on trust years ago. i think it would've made my whole high school experience that much more worth while. right now i've been really working on trust and i love it. i love being able to tell people my thoughts without worrying about them talking about me. i guess i still worry about being talked about behind my back but i think that i am able to handle it easier now.
random thought #7:
i love the people at my work. :) as weird as it sounds, these people that i've worked with throughout the past few years have become a HUGE part of my life. one girl last summer started calling us all her family of misfits. it's true in a way. each person that i work with has changed my life so greatly and i am SO thankful for each and every one of them. i feel like i've known these people my entire life but some i've only known for less than a year and others have been with me from day 1. it's awesome because right now some of my closest friends are from work. one person i've known for only 1.5 yrs and the other i've known for 8 months! yet i feel so comfortable around these people and i don't know what i would do without them through this time.
random thought #8:
i have so many dreams. like hopes and dreams as opposed to sleeping dreams -although i have a lot of those too. :) i have so many dreams and i'm afraid to share them with people (back to the trust thing). it's partially because some of my friends will think i am ridiculous and others i'm not sure how they will react to it. maybe that's what freaks me out, is not knowing the end result.
random thought #9:
i've been thinking about love lately and i love love. but part of me hates it also. i think i'm afraid of love because of the hurt factor. i don't want to be hurt by love but i know that is a part of it. you can't really have love without some hurt. at least that's what i think right now. i know i had other thoughts on love...but i can't really remember them right now.
1 a.m. = time to read and then sleep. possibly more random thoughts to follow....
come what may..
teia
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