out of everything that i need right now besides God, family and friends, it's definitely being able to write. I've had the writing itch the past few weeks. i've been reading blogs about families and faith and just other's daily lives. i'm not quite sure right now what i will be writing about most of the time. it will probably be my thoughts on the day and my daily living. nothing too exciting.
i just  know that this is something i started a long time ago and it's something that i need to keep going...for more reasons than one.

so it's very late. i must get some sleep sometime today.
come what may...
teia

Two years ago on easter was the day after zoe was born. being in church that day i couldn't help but just balling at the end of the service. we were so unsure of everything that was to come in the future. the baby girl had been born the day before and had stopped breathing two times since..."in christ alone, my hope is found, he is my light, my strength, my song..." this easter we were in church again and i'm still unsure of what's going to happen. i know he's holding us all but sometimes it's a little hard to see that through the mess of a world we live in. questions were answered in the two years and then many new ones were formed.

it's not that i try and forget what january/february were like it's more like it hits me in waves. when i sit and think about how in one week i heard about zoe and was attempting to deal with that and then after her funeral i went through it again...that hurts. i can't think about it.

Yesterday was Zoe's birthday.
I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about the day. Was I supposed to be upset about it? Act like it was a normal day? Something was definitely different..I knew I was suppsoed to be celebrating and I was acting like it was a normal day...and it definitely wasn't. I realized that it would've been the beginning of the "terrible two's". Although Zoe would never be terrible in her two's. She would've been Zoe. Always doing her own thing and just fighting her way through.

I didn't really want to cry yesterday but then i twisted my knee for the second time in a week. and i felt helpless. I just want it to go away. I want all the hurt to go away. My knee's hurting and my heart's. It is all just too hard sometimes. I started crying for my knee at first and then I realized it didn't really hurt. I was just crying. I was crying for feeling helpless because I can't help the fact that my knee just does it's own thing. I was crying because i needed zoe yesterday. I was crying for the little things i've learned the past few days and weeks that i didn't cry about when i learned of them. I cried for the dreams that i had last week..the dreams i had two different nights about the funerals.
---

Two of my previous teachers are going to have a baby within the next 24 hours. I am so happy for them and will just have them on my mind for the next few days. Baby. When isabel, kellen and i were little we always used to pray together each night. When there was a baby on the way we were always praying for a safe pregnancy and healthy baby and healthy mom. I never realized what it was like to have an un-healthy baby or where something went terribly wrong until Zoe. I guess I always took that prayer for granted. I never realized that a baby could be very sick. I don't know why it never hit me but then it did...
I pray for the Staub family- a healthy baby and healthy mom.


praying is all i can do right now for all the hurt in this world. but i can also pray and rejoice for the new, small things that make this world seem worth living for.

come what may...
teia

In the past four weeks, Sundays have basically been deemed the hardest day, with Mondays coming in a close second. There's something about getting up for church and getting there that makes it difficult each week. It might be the fact that it was one of the only times that we were always ALL going. It was one of the only times that the family was all at the same place at the same time. It took a group effort to get there- pack the diaper bag, wash the bottles, make sure everyone else was fed and ready to go. Shoes, socks, coats and ready to go out the door.

The other weekend one of the retired pastors was giving a sermon on God Calling. I'm not even sure what the sermon really was past that point because I listened to the intro and I was gone in my own little world. I was remembering the weeks where we would walk into church 10 minutes late because Dad and Jen were tired, tired, tired from staying up all night with the baby. I was thinking about the time where majority of the family was in Green Bay for the weekend. It wasn't a holiday but I'm not sure why everyone was there. We were all sitting in church listening to GrandpaDu and I was sitting there thinking about how majority of the people sitting in the service were just our family members. And then when GrandpaDu was going to eventually call up the kids for the kids sermon- I realized that there were going to probably be only two kids that weren't in the Bat family. Sure enough, GrandpaDu called up the kids for the kids sermon and we all sat down at the front of the church and he laughed and told the whole congregation that most of the kids were his own grandkids. It made it so special to me. It's probably one of the last times I went up for a kids sermon but I'm so glad that I did. I won't ever forget it.

God Calling. The pastor talked about how when God is calling you He doesn't use the phone- you can't check your caller ID and ignore the call.

Tears were streaming down my face partway through the sermon, remembering all the wonderful times I had with Zoe and GrandpaDu...sometimes tears are inevitable, whether you want them or not.

Everyday I struggle with what is God's calling for me? What does He want me to do for Him? What's ahead in my future? Will it be a fraction of what Zoe or GrandpaDu accomplished while living on this earth for 22 months or 77 years? I struggle with it so much because I feel like I haven't started and I'm 19.

Isabel brought up a good question to me tonight. Dad and Jen are with the boys in Green Bay for the night celebrating a cousin's birthday and just to be there with family as tomorrow (well, technically today...) would've been GrandpaDu's birthday. Isabel said to me, "do you think it's ironic that one month ago we were home alone and now here we are again?"
I didn't even think about it before. But then as I was sitting in the empty, quiet house...I realized something about it was familiar, in an awful way.

I used to like being able to have the house to myself for a couple of hours. Just to take in the quiet and absorb it. Within the two weeks after the crazy week...I learned that I hate quiet. I just can't handle it anymore. There's a silence about this quiet that I don't like. It's the quiet that you realize something big is missing, even if it was something small...like a baby girl. It's the quiet that you don't know whether to break with some noise or just keep it the same way...

I miss the little noises.

come what may...
teia

People have always said that I have a lot of people in my family- which is true. They are always asking how I can live with so many kids. Aren't they loud and crazy? :) -True but i love it.

When you get to a like 3 or 4 kids running around the house after that if you keep adding more to the mix it doesn't seem like that many. It's probably just how my brain works because we've had so many kids always at Omi and GrandpaDu's and here. The worst part is when you take away one person it seems like there is this huge hole. If someone isn't home for dinner it feels like you're missing 5 people instead of 1. This case is different... You wait and wait for those noises you're so used to and they don't come. Each morning I get ready in the bathroom and for months when I got ready I could hear the oxygen machine making it's noises. Dad said it sounded like Darth Vader. And when I was getting ready the other morning and I thought I heard it again. I stopped what I was doing and listened more carefully only to realize that Dad was walking around the house with the same rhythm as the sound that I'd grown accustomed to hearing. Or at night you could always hear Dad walking around finding a snack to help him stay awake while watching Zoe and feeding her. You could hear her making her cooing noises and fussing. Sometimes at night when everyone else is sleeping I still think I hear it.

This type of quiet is nothing you can explain to others so I'm not even sure why I'm trying but right now it's all I can think about...

and praying.

random thoughts...

it's the new year! 2010!
over the past few days i've been thinking a lot. and i've been meaning to post and just haven't found the right words or "time".

random thought #1:
thoughts about the fall have crossed my mind. thoughts about my family and friends. thoughts about time, in general. so many things have just been floating around in this head of mine.
usually i'm able to share these thoughts with various co-workers/friends but today was different. today was a very quiet day. i didn't really talk to anyone outside of my house. no texting, no facebook chatting. i talked to minte via Gmail chat but other than that, it was very quiet. and of course once i am quiet on a day like today not many thoughts are crossing my mind. usually my mind is racing when i am speaking to other people but when i am quiet, so is my brain. it's weird how that works out sometimes.

random thought #2:
the other day at work a friend and i were talking about time. the more i thought about time, the more i became confused and more amazed. we knew what we wanted to say to each other about time we just weren't sure how to get our points across. in the end however, we figured out what the other person was saying.

random thought #3:
months ago, i was yelled at by a friend about how i wasn't an open person. how i never shared my thoughts or feelings and how that made it really hard for our friendship. i guess i didn't realize it. in a way i was somewhat happy that my friend revealed this to me so i could work on it. now however, i fear that i took it the complete opposite level. i tell friends almost anything that comes to mind. sometimes, especially lately, it's become like word vomit. i can't stop it. i think it was a trust issue and i've been really working on trust lately. i've been getting better at it but now i think i just talk just to talk. i don't want to be one of those people but i think i might be. now if i'm quiet at work they assume something is wrong, when in reality i just need to think and take some time to stop and listen to what's going on around me.

random thought #4:
this year i have come up with a few goals for myself:
-get my website up and running and tell people!
-make change in the world. i'm still figuring this part out but we'll see what happens. haha
-listen. i need to work on my listening skills. i know this might sound silly but sometimes i think that things just go right through my head. sometimes i'd like to listen to things and absorb the entire thing a little more.
-stop. be still. -i'm not sure if there needs to be an explanation about this.
-figure out school. how frustrating this one can be. one moment i'm set on a thought and the next couple of days i really struggle with my decision.

random thought#5:
oh school. i keep telling people that i wish the whole thing would just drop in my lap and i would know what is going on. i still don't know what is going on next year. i have a feeling but not entirely sure right now. i don't want to pick something and realize it was a huge mistake but i'm afraid that if i choose the opposite then that will be a mistake. i'm not really sure if that makes sense but i don't want to screw this plan up. i know that i can change schools if i need to but like i told isabel today, i am sick of moving. i'd like to keep the moving to a minimum if that is possible. haha

random thought #6:
i wish i would've worked on trust years ago. i think it would've made my whole high school experience that much more worth while. right now i've been really working on trust and i love it. i love being able to tell people my thoughts without worrying about them talking about me. i guess i still worry about being talked about behind my back but i think that i am able to handle it easier now.

random thought #7:
i love the people at my work. :) as weird as it sounds, these people that i've worked with throughout the past few years have become a HUGE part of my life. one girl last summer started calling us all her family of misfits. it's true in a way. each person that i work with has changed my life so greatly and i am SO thankful for each and every one of them. i feel like i've known these people my entire life but some i've only known for less than a year and others have been with me from day 1. it's awesome because right now some of my closest friends are from work. one person i've known for only 1.5 yrs and the other i've known for 8 months! yet i feel so comfortable around these people and i don't know what i would do without them through this time.

random thought #8:
i have so many dreams. like hopes and dreams as opposed to sleeping dreams -although i have a lot of those too. :) i have so many dreams and i'm afraid to share them with people (back to the trust thing). it's partially because some of my friends will think i am ridiculous and others i'm not sure how they will react to it. maybe that's what freaks me out, is not knowing the end result.

random thought #9:
i've been thinking about love lately and i love love. but part of me hates it also. i think i'm afraid of love because of the hurt factor. i don't want to be hurt by love but i know that is a part of it. you can't really have love without some hurt. at least that's what i think right now. i know i had other thoughts on love...but i can't really remember them right now.

1 a.m. = time to read and then sleep. possibly more random thoughts to follow....

come what may..
teia

wishing all my family, friends and strangers Happy New Year's!
Hope you have a good one. Ta ta to 2009!
God Bless,
teia

lately i've been having dreams about grandpadu.
like multiple dreams. last night i know i had one about him. i just don't remember what it is right now.

a few nights ago i had a dream that we had gone to their old house. about half of their things were still at the old house and the other half was at the new. it was just how they lived- in the two houses. but they spent the majority of the time at their old house. it seemed like a cure for grandpadu. whenever he was at the new house he was sick and not doing well but while he was at the old house he seemed to be his old self.

when i woke up the next day i started to tell dad and jen about my dream and realized why i had had a dream like that. and dad confirmed it the same time i had my realization. the last time we had seen grandpadu "fine" and not sick like he is now was when they still lived in the old house. subconciously i must have been thinking about it but i hadn't put two and two together otherwise.

most of the time i have dreams and they don't make much sense but then there are other dreams where i can remember them clearly and it's like trying to get in my head and make me realize something.

for thanksgiving we went spent half of the time at with the pope's and the other half with omi and grandpadu. we ended up spending the night at omi and grandpadu's. i didn't really get to talk to grandpadu much but on friday before we all left to get our christmas tree i said bye to grandpadu. i said, "bye grandpadu. see you soon." he was staring off into the distance and said, "i hope so."
in the past few weeks this conversation has been playing over and over in my head. it has become something that i will always remember. i've struggled with deciding whether or not to write it. the exchange of these few sentences has changed meaning in the past few weeks also. at first it meant i'll see you soon here- on earth. but then the changing maybe has warped a bit into. i'll see you soon- in heaven. either way we both meant this conversation i hope both -on earth and in heaven- are true.
He hasn't taken either grandpadu or me (obviously) yet but when He does, "i'll see you soon."

i try to explain to others the friendships i've had and how each person has brought an awesome and different perspective into my life.
every once in a while i think they get it and other times i think they are just nodding their head and smiling just to make me feel good.

each of my friends have shown me the endless measures of love, they have shown me what it means to love life and friends and...music.

my family has shown me that also but in such a different way.

if there is one thing my friends and i have in common it is the love of music. all different types of music. they've grown accustomed to my music and i, theirs. josh and kristin have shown me to love soundtracks featuring john williams, michael giacchino and hans zimmer, along with many others. erin has showed me how to appreciate many different songs on the radio i wouldn't have given a second glance.

if only they knew how much of an impact they have had on my life so far and will have in the future...

comewhat may...
teia

sometimes i wish missing wasn't even possible.

then there'd be no crying and hurt.
although on the other end it makes the reunion usually so much better.

basically right now i think missing others sucks. cause it ends up being lot of crap where you say you can't wait to hang out and how you miss the "good old times.."
majority of the time, i think i'm the only person actually missing the "good old times" and really needing to hang out with someone.

...i need a friend who can hang out all the time and talk...

if you know of someone who won't leave me ...let me know...cause i could really use my old friends right now even though they are all across the country and one isn't even a friend anymore. well i'm not sure. i hope we are. i just don't know.

ok i'm tired and a mess. i think this means sleep is needed.

comewhat may...
teia

Last night I was able to go to the first choir concert of the year at LWLHS. surprisingly enough it was somewhat hard to go to. I walked in and there was all the acapella people talking in the hallway getting ready to walk in and getting all lined up...or as close to it as possible. We sat down and I was able to watch chorale sing a few songs and then it was the band. At one point Ethan turned to me and said, "what movie is this from?" i told him i wasn't sure...hmm. I think i'll have to look that one up or even just ask Mr. Staub. Then acapella came up and sang and they were good. I was so glad to be able to hear them. I turn to deirdre and minte and told them how weird it was to be sitting down at one of the concerts because the last time i had sat through a concert at LW was probably 6 years ago for their christmas concert. It was before mr. staub and before they decided to have the concerts in the gym.

Of all the things I miss the most about high school and just school in general right now it's choir. I miss being able to warm up and the feeling of accomplishment after we finish a song perfectly. I miss being able to judge the song as a member of the choir and remembering that next time I need to fix little parts here and there. I loved being an alto. haha. I loved being able to listen to the clashes and what weird songs we get to sing or what spirituals we're doing for this concert.

I talked to Mr. Staub after the concert and it was so nice to talk to him. We talked about random things for just a few minutes but I am so glad I did.

For four years choir was one of the biggest parts of my life. We had choir tour, great friends, crazy drama and stories from the different churches we sang at throughout the year and through every tour. We had a wonderful director who I can't even begin to thank how choir changed my life and my perspective on music. I am so thankful.

Maybe in the future I can join some type of choir where I do sing again. I'm not the greatest or anything but maybe. But nothing will change the way I felt about LW's 4 years and how being in that choir changed my life.

Don't we all just wish we could have this sign for our lives? "Emergency exit, turn handle to left and then push open." So when you screw up you can just use your emergency exit.

(I took this picture a few weeks ago on the megabus from cleveland to chicago. I guess i never realized how much I really do just like the picture. It was something fun to take a picture of while I was on the bus and now I just think it's a cool picture. )

In a way I think we all have our different emergency exits or outlets. Sometimes it's not the best for our well-being but we just do it.

Right now. I think there are so many people who are using those emergency exits and then getting into bigger trouble instead of the other way around. Those emergency exits are supposed to help you.
If while I was on the bus and we got in an accident and I needed to get out I'd use the emergency exit. It would aid me to safety, not lead me to something worse.

I just worry for those who are using those emergency exits in the wrong way. The bus is driving smoothly at 65 MPH and then you just "test" that exit out. It doesn't work that way.

So i've been working like crazy lately..
What a life. hahaha.
Also, i went and visited kristin in ohio and then went to CUC and saw piera, timmy, ashlyn and breenna. it was a great time. LOVED it.

so im really cold right now and don't actually feel like writing much. i just had to put something down. haha

come what may..
teia

the swirl. keeps getting bigger and bigger.

josh still hasn't talked to me much since before his stuff happened..which is fine as long as i get updates from jen. i just worry. i just hope and pray he's alright. And that he knows that i'm worrying about him and hoping and praying that he is alright. I don't know sometimes though.

jen and zoe went into a sleep study tonight at children's hospital. it was just supposed to monitor how she does while she sleeps..like if she has some type of apnea or if she has night terrors they can determine what to do from these studies. when they saw her "numbers" after hooking her up and having her FINALLY (after 4 hours of crying) fall asleep, they weren't good. this can cause damage on her heart if she isn't getting the oxygen she needs to the rest of her body! and her other numbers have a HUGE effect on her also.

the swirl keeps going.

besides that, i've been working just about every day. and right now i'm exhausted. it doesn't help that with what i know right now...these coming days are going to get harder with schedules and hospitals. oh...and as if it doesn't get ANY better. i also have a cold. WONDERFUL.

waiting some more...

come what may...
teia

Two years ago, I was having the best summer of my life. If someone would have come up to me and told me to get ready for my world to be turned upside down I probably would have told you, "We'll see about that..."

Well I wish someone could have warned me about the coming two years because they did get turned upside down.
Two summers ago, it was all about Josh, Isabel, Michael and me. The four of us. It seemed like there wasn't a day where we didn't talk or hang out. Six months later, Selah was diagnosed with Diabetes type 1 and then two months after that Zoe was born. Two weeks later, Cooper was born. The trisomy babies. Zoe with 18 and Cooper with 21. Living on the edge is the way to go in my family I guess.
Since then we've gone through Grandpa and GrandpaDu's health issues.
Just this summer.

Then we got the phone call yesterday that Josh was in the hospital. Later in the day he had a mild heart attack.

My heart broke.
into a billion and two pieces.

Probably because he's like a big brother to me...
probably because i just saw him on monday and he seemed pretty fine to me...just wiped.
probably because he's 22 and he had a heart attack.
probably because 2 summers ago we spent all our time together and now he's in the hospital.

(i realize that 2 years is a long period of time.)
Jen has gone to the hospital twice now. and she updates me from there...letting me know that he's doing ok. He's going on medication and that hopefully he'll be home by tomorrow sometime.

My heart is trying to slowly pick up all the pieces and start anew....again.

Before all this happened...yesterday jen and i were talking in the car we were talking about the swirl of a life we have. We've been through all this "stuff" in the past year and half...if you want to you can throw in the past few years. It's been quite a swirl. It might not stop any time soon. But for right now...standing in the middle of the swirl things are looking alright. We are blessed beyond belief. We still have Zoe, Cooper, Grandpa and GrandpaDu. Most of us are in pretty good health. If you step into the swirl...it will start dragging you under pretty quick though.

I'm going to stay in the swirl for right now. As much as I'm tired of crying and hurting for all these people. There's not much I can do about it...because there is hurt and lots of crying in this world for many reasons.

Time for me to just keep waiting... and waiting...like always.

come what may...
teia

hey please vote for my pictures and write some reviews! thanks so much!

Back in Black and White Photo Challenge Brickfish

Back in Black and White Photo Challenge Brickfish

have a great week!

tonight is just one of those nights that no matter how hard you try or how bad your eyes hurt..you just don't want to fall asleep. it's so frustrating. my eyes are hurting..a combination of crying and being open for 14+ hours.
within the past week i've been thinking a lot about my grandfathers. both of them. both are having health issues right now..and i dont know what to think about it. i saw grandpa at graduation and he was looking alright. and i saw grandpadu a few weeks ago.. and we were standing in our living room. i was showing him one of my drawing that i did at the beginning of this summer. he stared at it and said..wow that's incredible.
this past saturday i called mom to talk to her and she said that she was worried for grandma and grandpa as his health wasn't doing so great last week. on sunday our family made an emergency trip to green bay to see grandpadu and it was hard. he could barely lift his arms and was so in and out of it. it's incredible how just a few weeks can change drastically. 3.5 weeks ago grandpadu and i were standing in the living room talking about art. and this past sunday we were in a hospital room and he was asking about my graduation party..
i'm not sure how these next few days or weeks will turn out. God has a plan..i know it..but i'm just struggling with putting His plan before mine.

im going to try and listen to music and fall asleep...since it's now 340 and i cant fall asleep...stilL!

come what may.
teia

waiting waiting waiting.
for my new phone to come in the mail...it's killing me! :)
i'm pretty excited to get it..hopefully it will be coming soon!

erin and i took a nice bike ride yesterday and just hung out. it was really nice.

summer is almost over.. many people are starting to leave this week and next week already!
it's crazy! piera, erin, timmy, andy and most of concordia gangs will be gone in the next week. other colleges are starting toward the end of august beginning of september..
it's going to be really interesting to see what happens in the next few months! i'm pretty excited and a little weary of what will happen. but i guess we'll see!

sunday we made a quick visit to grandpadu in the hospital. we were able to visit with everyone in the family which was really nice!
i was so glad to see everyone..i've seen most of them earlier this summer but EVERYONE was there...

ok. it's time for me to gooo.

comewhatmay..
teia

in the past few weeks i've had some pretty great experiences. i was able to bike to port washington with a friend and it was really fun. we talked the whole time and got some good sun. :) although neither of us probably needed it. haha. and then this week i was able to bike to fox point with some other friends from work. all in all in the past week i've biked at least 50 miles! which for some people is nothing because they can do that in a day. but i'm not one of those people. i'm still working up on that ladder. :)

also, back on the fourth of july kristin called me to tell me she was engaged! the next weekend we were able to hang out for the first time in 7 months! it was such a great time! ever since then we've been keeping each other updated about what's going on. i'm so glad to have her as a friend. we've only known each other for the past 2 years. but it's been amazing!

hmm. i had my graduation party on the 31st which was last friday but it seems like forever ago already! i had some really great friends come and i was so excited to see them and be able to catch up with everything going on in their lives. most people start school or are leaving starting in the next week or two! that's insane. this summer has flown by and i'm just waiting to see what is in store for this next year.

work has been awesome. i'm becoming closer friends with each of the people i'm working with and i love being able to have friends there and not have that place just be where i work..but have the ability to have relationships with everyone i work with.

lately we've all been keeping grandpadu in our prayers because he's been having some health issues.

time for me to get some rest.

comewhatmay...
teia