i never really started examining my anxiety until tonight.
i was talking with a girl at work about my weird dreams...how they've been getting worse and worse.
she told me that if you thought about it...it's my anxiety shwoing through each of my dreams. i find this odd. and slightly saddening because i like sleep but because of my dreams i seem to have been not sleeping the best lately...which is why i am tired all the time. sooo time for me to try to sleep tonight and not be anxious.

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.- PHILIPPIANS 4:6-7

school will be done in 3 weeks...and that includes exams.

part of me is very excited for this little part of my life and another part is just stressed. 

i have so much to do in the next 3 weeks! papers, papers, PAPERS galore! 

yesterday was easter. 

and i was sad. i woke up sad and crying, not weeping but silent tears. i couldn't help it. once again, i spent a holiday as the only sister in my family. it's so weird going from holidays with 4 others girls and then you're the only girl with 3 brothers at one family function...it's confusing but it makes me sad sometimes. 

so that's how i woke up on easter. 

then during church dad sang. it was nice to hear him and jen sing in church again. the song just made me cry. 

with dad going through his heart stuff...again...

this was the first verse...and that's when the hurt in my heart started. 

"There's a peace I've come to know 

Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well" 

....

"And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise"

no more sorrow, no more pain...

and then i cried. a lot. silently. in church. 

and then the service was over and i'm trying to wipe the tears and the snot from my nose. 

oh dear. i was a mess. 

then we went to the pope's house and after that i sat on my computer all night. that was WONDERFUL. 

yay

oh family. i love them, even if they drive me nuts sometimes. 

so my heart is still hurting sometimes but i will rise. 

come what may, 

teia 

tonight i was talking with a friend and we got on the topic of what i wanted to do with my life.
i'm laying in my bed at school. last year when i applied for school i said i wanted to go into
art education. so i'm going to cuw for art education at this point. but i can't help but wonder
if this is what i really want. i'm not sure if that's right. am i supposed to be questioning what i want to
do with the rest of my life? does everyone always question if what they pick it's the right thing?

i struggle with that every day. does everyone question what they have chosen or what they are choosing?
but then my friend did something that not many people do. he asked me, what do you wanna do?
i told him that i am like a 5 year old who changes their mind every 5 minutes. they wanna be a doctor,
and a mom and they choose many different things...

but what do i want to do?
what do i want to be when i grow up?
it sounds ridiculous that i would still be asking myself this question but here's the thing.
i have many dreams and things i want to do when i grow up.
i want to bake. i want to teach. i want to keep doing art. i want to keep working in the
restaurant business. i want to own a bakery. i want to write. i want to take pictures.
i want to grow up. i want to be able to be a mom one day. i want to be happy and serve Him.

this past week and a half i've been struggling with being happy too.
it sounds ridiculousbecause i'm blessed. i have a job and am in school.
i have  a family and many friends.
i just keep blaming it on being stressed but i am.
i'm ready for summer to be here. warm weather. sunshine. and other things.
but today it snowed.

alright i must stop rambling.
im very tired. and trying to watch good will hunting.
-teia

oh march. it's finally here and then today it snowed, again. i'm not too happy about that, however, it might be because the last time i remember the weather being like this was 3 years ago. zoe was born on a friday and there was a HUGE snowstorm that day...on the 22nd of march! so maybe i'm just remembering that and it's hitting me hard this year.

lately, every day seems to be getting harder instead of easier. i remember that my one sister is in heaven and then the other is in NC. it's very hard right now.
i'm not sure what it is. i think i'm just missing them a lot right now. and i think kellen is too. i know that everyone else is. but it's the three big kids...and we're not together. last night at work i almost started crying because i realized how much i hate change. and it's too late to stop everything from changing now. isabel's married and going to have a baby. kellen's going to graduate and then move off to school in the next few months. and then who knows when we'll be together next.
this is life.

time for some class thing now.
comewhat may.
teia

most of the time when we talk, we forget how much it affects the person who is listening. how they will respond to it and how they will either forget the words spoken or take it and live by those words through the rest of your life. there are some words i remember and can't help but to think of now and more often than not. they are hurtful and heartbreaking. they were said years and years ago but when it comes down to it. they were meaningless at the time and were meant no harm. yet here i am, years and years later and when someone tries to compliment me on that one thing i can't help but just flat out disagree. part of that disagreeing is me not always knowing how to respond to compliments and the other part is those hurtful words creep into my mind, making me realize that i truly believe the words. words i know i shouldn't believe because they were said without thinking. words that someone who is not a part of my life anymore said those years ago.
i know most of the time i don't think about what i say. but when it's something that can possibly hurt someone i hold my thoughts back. i try. because i could never leave someone with haunting words like the words that have haunted me for so long.

so now i'm going to sing my heart out. whether or not i'm good. if people can hear me or not, i do not care because i'm made the way i am. and if music is the only outlet for me then i will continue to listen and sing...to Him.

thoughts for this day. :)

....oh and the Packers won SuperBowl XLV
comewhatmay...

i guess i can't say the worst part about birthdays. but the saddest part is definitely the end of the day. you realize how blessed you are to have great friends and family who love you..but at the end of the day, after the party and the singing, it's just another day. just a day that's supposed to be all about you but when it comes down to it, it's another day that's just not too special.

i love birthdays. i'm not sure what it is about them but i do. i think it's knowing how many i've been through and how many people i've seen have so many or so little birthdays that i realize they are a gift and we must cherish our years.

so as i have my 4 minutes left of my first day being 20 i just sit here and dwell on these things which have been in my mind all day.

those things and how i miss my sisters and i miss my friends who live far away. i'm so blessed and have been with a great day and yet i feel like there was something missing, someone...or maybe more than one person.

time for me to get some rest and enjoy being 20...cause it's just begun.

I'm trading my sorrow

I'm trading my shame

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord

Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord

Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure

And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes with the morning

-----

Christmas break is all about family. That's the thought keeps going through my head. 

We sit at the dining room table together, whether or not we're eating dinner. Last night I came home with some friends and looked at the dining room table and there were the 4 little kids sitting, doing homework or drawing pictures. I'll wake up in the morning and get ready and get on my computer, right next to dad and his "office" there's something about just sitting next to each other. Most of the time we don't talk or have a regular conversation...it's just knowing we're in the same room as each other. it's, comforting.